Daily Confession...

I hate all my fuckin insecurities....I hate how it overpowers my feelings and everything. I'm sorry whenever my insecurities gets the best of me I act like a bitch to you because I can't let shit go thats been done and over with because I been hurt so bad that I haven't fully recovered from it and it still affects me. IM SORRY I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF WHAT YOUR GOING TO SAY =(

I don't know why but...

I just can't tell you. There were so many times where I had the chance to tell you but I got scared. I don't know how your gonna respond. I'm scared your gonna get mad at me telling me to "forget the past, the past is the past, it's done and over with already" because that's what you told me before. That's what I'm afraid of. I rather cope with the tears when you act like that because you can't see that I am crying. I'm sorry I can't and haven't told you. I'm just scared I'm gonna hurt us if I did.

the intro to my "reason" i guess =/

Thankful.

What do you think of when you hear the word Thanksgiving? Do you think of the endless food your family eats at your family gatherings? Or do you think about the Black Friday sales that are at the malls? Don't lose thought on what Thanksgiving really is about. Give thanks to God for everything He has given and provided for you no matter how little it is.

I really thank God for bringing my boyfriend into my life and having him hold the title of my boyfriend. I'm glad I can be happy with him a second time. I'm glad everything that happened between us is repaired because we're back in it and stronger than before. I'm thankful that God kept us together throughout our beautiful struggle. 030207<3

How do you know when your IN love?

Everyone has their own definition of love. My first boyfriend is the one I am still with to this day and I'm not afraid to say that I am in love with him. He's the only guy that comes to my mind when I hear the word love, couple, boyfriend... He's the only guy that I have sacraficed so many things for and because I WANTED to. We had our ups and downs and I admit I have had faults that really hurt our relationship. I think time apart reveals true love. And love comes when you least expect it.

"If you love someone, let them go. < If they return to you, it was meant to be."

Love is patient. - March 2, 2007


I can honestly say that we have been through everything together. iloveyou<3

Another day and...

I miss you...


"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be."

Day by day.

It's getting easier everyday I guess. Words still can't describe how I'm feeling. Even I can't put together words to describe what I'm feeling. I still think about you everyday, everyminute, everymoment. My feelings for you have not changed at all. I miss you more and more as each day pass but I'm learning to not let it get to me. One word that I can describe myself as is confused. I don't know what's going on through your head whatsoever. There are times your this way, there are times your that way and I catch myself wondering in a puzzled expression. My heart knows what I want but I'm not sure if I'm ready for what my heart wants. I am in no doubt still in love with you, but I'm scared to find out if on your part, you feel the same way. I haven't changed at all, I do the same things I do when things were the same. The only different part is having you there with me everymoment of the day. I still wish you were here for me everyday, minute, second. I miss you so much and still do love you so so much...I just don't have the guts to tell you.

"Oh yeah sissy, you know what song reminds me of you? Better in Time."

Love is not painful.

"If you go into a relationship not feeling terribly good about yourself, you're more likely to become dependent on your partner to help you feel good about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes paramount. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness when there's a perceived threat to you staying together."

I read this from an article about love and thinking whether to believe it or not. He's the one who brings me up when I'm down, who comforts me when I need someone, who listens to me when I need an ear to listen, who is there to give me his shoulder to cry on.

"Love is not painful, it feels incredible. The pain and hurt we feel doesn’t come from love, it comes from our doubts, fears, anxiety, perceived rejections, broken trusts, anger, jealousy, envy, etc. So why do we as a culture lump all those other feelings in with love?"

Fear is the factor for me. I have a fear that I'm going to lose him completely when I don't want that to happen at all :(

Another day has gone by and I decided to wait it out because I'm not gonna give up on us. I'm hoping really hard that everything will work out for the best. <3

because when you love somebody...

Hearing something about someone that you don't want to hear and that you know is completely impossible and hard to believe can get our minds running, but yet it can get us constantly thinking alot about it too. It can hold us back from many things and let things out. It can leave us standing alone in disarray and unpredictable feelings to come out. Time is the main factor in this situation because time will tell. Work things out and make a decision you won't regret. Always stay strong in all circumstances and never let your feelings get the best of you. I've come too far to just throw it all away but I'm willing to wait and see where all this will take me. I almost did something I knew I will regret and didn't want to do. I didn't because I just can't...and won't. Don't give up too soon because hopefully in the end everything will work out.

"because when you love somebody, you make it work..."

ST32
I'll always hold you down and love you no matter what. I promise.

Welcome Back.

Came home after 5 days of camp. It was a package filled with excitement, joy, fear, and drama. It was really hard getting through the days without talking to him. The days were so long, we ran through a scheduled 16 hour day. Friday finally came and he was the person I wanted to come home to. After everything that happened at camp this week, I was so glad I got to end the week with him. <3

Bad Day?

Everyone has them. There might be something your looking forward to and something happens resulting in your whole day being ruined. I get so irritated. Every little thing seems to bother me in some way. Especially if it's someone thats a big part of your life happens to throw your day off, it messes up your mood real hard. Even if it's something so little! Anything can throw our day off. Lesson to be learned is to try not to let it bother you no matter how hard it is.

Sucks sitting in church with tears falling down my eyes and I can't stop it.

The Conclusion of a Beautiful Summer.

Summer is a time to relax, to take time out from everything thats going on, to spend time with your friends and family. I spent my whole summer with the love of my life. He was the main person I saw and talked to. He was the first and last person I talked to everyday. There were many days where I woke up and he was the first person I saw. There were many days that I started off smiling seeing him next to me. We learned more about each other and made our relationship even stronger. We went through smiles, laughs, and even tears that brought us closer together. This summer made me realize even more what truly makes me happy. In the beginning we started off with minutes together and builded up to being together for days. Now summer is coming to an end and we go back to school. I hope nothing will change between us at all now that we won't be seeing each other as much as we like. Thank you for a wonderful summer my love. Thank you for showing me how happy I can be when I am with you. I love you so so much and I can't wait until next summer. <3

"Don't be close to someone who makes you happy.
Be close to someone who can't be happy without you.

Take a Minute...

Have you ever stopped to think about the wonders and creations God created? Have you ever looked outside at night and just gaze at the stars in the sky? Have you ever marvelled at the beauty of nature? Many of us take forgranted the astonishing, even breathtaking creations that is provided for us, from the little things like flowers to the big things like the view of the ocean from a cliffside. Take a minute to examine the beautiful nature God has created and maybe, just maybe you will catch yourself standing in awe realizing how wonderful God's creations are.

Stinson Beach - July 26, 2008

Twisted Feelings.

Becoming attached to someone can be a good thing.
But what if something happened and it starts to bother us? What will we do?
Feelings start to twist and all kinds of emotions start to flare.
I became attached. And now, I'm afraid of losing the one I became attached to.
Do I fall back and drift? Or do I keep clinging?

In the beginning I blame it on him
And in the end I blame myself.

"Everything that irritates us about others
can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

Chapter 15.

15 months. I got to see him today :] I enjoyed every minute of him being with me, no matter how short or long it was. I love the feeling when I'm with him. He brings everything out of me. I can have the worsest day and he can make it so much better just like that. I would always wish we would have longer times being together, but I'm thankful I even get the chance to see him. Another month added to our love & I'd love to keep it going. Words can't express the love that I have for you. All I can say is that I love you with all I got, all my heart. I'm glad you stayed over for a while. I'm sorry I couldn't spend the day with you, but I had the chance to see you :] We made the shortest time feel like the longest together. I love you so so much & I hoped you enjoyed today :] Happy 15 months Baby and many more to come <3

My other half.

Seeing him on Friday with a big smile on his face when we were walking toward each other made me smile =] It felt good to be with him. The feeling of his hands in mine, the feeling of wrapping my arms around him, the feeling of him kissing my forehead: Its a wonderful feeling to be loved, to feel wanted. I'm glad all these feelings I get are because of him, only him. When I am with him, I feel like nothing else matters, that I don't have to worry about anything. We share moments whenever we're together. We rarely argue when we're together. We fight when we're apart because we just simply miss each other. I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life. He picks me up when I fall. He comforts me when I have no one else. He listens when I need to let something out. And most of all, he's patient. Thats one of the many things I love about him. He's my other half. Yeah he's not perfect, but in my eyes, I see him perfectly. He's perfect for me. I may not see him whenever I want to, but I'm willing to wait until that day I can.

"The richest love is that which lasts through time apart to someday be together."

Beautiful Struggle.

There are always ups and downs in a relationship. It's not the greatest feeling to get hurt by the one you love, but all I know is I'd rather get hurt than to hurt the one I love. So what if I gave chance after chance? I know what I'm feeling for him and I'm not gonna give up either. I gave up everything for him. That's how much I love him. Fighting is natural in any relationship. It either breaks them apart or brings them closer together. Think before you make a decision and regret nothing. I'm not about to end what we have yet, my love. I love you with all my heart and I promise you I will and have been giving you my all since day one - March 2 , 2007.

"Never give up on love."

Another Year.

Sweet 16. Had a blast last night, the feeling of my friends gathering all together to celebrate my birthday, seeing friends i havent seen in forever, the smile that came to my face seeing my boyfriend/love/husband taking care of everything that night, and primarily everyone just having a good time with each other. Another year has gone by and now another year added to my life. Thank God for life and the days he adds to them. I also thank everyone who made last night happen. "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

Friend or Not?

Define a friend. Is it someone who would talk about you behind your back? Most def not. I had a friend who I knew for almost 2 years and I trusted a lot. Came to find out she was talking about me behind my back. Surprise right? I never expected that to happen. Made me think about trust. Who's real and who's not? There are situations that will come up and tell what a person is all about. Trust nobody because you'll never know who will really be there for you in the end.

"Friendship is a serious business. It can’t be taken lightly. When u call somebody a friend, mean it and show it."

Regret.

Have you ever regretted something? I think we all have. For me, it's not working hard enough in school and striving to do the best that I can do. End outcomes can get us frustrated blaming things or people we shouldn't be blaming when really the fault is on us. It can get us saying "Wow, maybe I should have tried harder." Pushing ourselves is the key: committment, focus, and motivation. Lacking those things can hurt us in the long run making it harder to get back on track. Procrastination is another deficiency. Never put things out for the last minute. It just makes things more strenuous and adds more labor in the end.

Proverbs 12:24 - The diligent hand will rule, but laziness will lead to forced labor.

Finding Your Future.

Education is an important part in ones life. It determines and gives you an idea for your future. Struggles may come and bring you down, but it is your choice whether to give up and let it bring you down or to try harder giving all you have. We don't have time for laziness because it may be too late resulting in regret. Getting our minds straight isn't easy for there are distractions that will come to interfere. People can be a factor, ones that would always bring us down and the ones who would pick us up when we do fall. Always strive to do your best in all you do because the greatest accomplishments in life are the ones you have worked hard for.